SLROC Forum

First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.

What the heck is this?

Farmageddon?

Being married is like being in the witness protection scheme.
You get new clothes, a new home, a new hair cut and you're not allowed to see your old mates any more.

What do you call a woman that doesn?t nag?

Rumour.

God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "oh no!!!terrible!!!! this'll have to wear make up!"

I was driving along and I saw a massive billboard advertising one of the national newspapers.....

I thought to myself 'That's a sign of the Times'

Black Tarmac and Red Tarmac decide to go for a beer down the local. They have just sat down when Green Tarmac comes bursting through the door, demands a large scotch and then head-butts the barman in the face for no reason. Red says to Black, you better watch him, he's a cycle-path.

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Cook?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's rubbish, 'cause my dog doesn't have a bike!"

In front of the congregation the minister high up in his pulpit produced two glasses.

Into both he placed two worms.

In one glass he poured water and into the other he poured whisky.

In the water glass, the worm swam about quite happily.

In the whisky glass, the worm wriggled for a short while then died.

"Now, members of the congregation, can you tell me what this means?"

A voice echoed from the rear of the Church.

"If you drink whisky, you won't get worms!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I "had" any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

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Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Depends how much you've been drinking.

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I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

What did your last slave die of?

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Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

You are a British politician, right?

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Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

Yes, gay night clubs.

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Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Only at Christmas.

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I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of colic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now its alcoholic

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly . The funeral co said it will cost ?5k to ship her home or ?500 to bury her there . The husband says to ship her home . The undertaker said "but sir why dont you bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money ?" . The husband says " Look , a long long time ago a guy died here and 3 days later he rose from the dead .......... I ain't takin that chance !!!!"   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email

 

This is a pretty neat test, check it out.  This test is based on how cool you were in Secondary School...

.............what crowd you ran with music tastes etc. it's pretty accurate.

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email

 

This thread has been started for jokes not web links