SLROC Forum

  Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was very handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
"I think I am going to have a little broom!."

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom-broom.






Are you ready for this? Brace yourself ; this is going to hurt!!!!!!!!!!




"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER ! "   

  Last one for now

 ........................... two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'. 

2 Irish lads arrive in Liverpol and head for the station.

Walking up to the ticket window Mick asks for "2 singles to Jepardy please"

Man in ticket office reply's "there is no such place"

 "sure there must be ...look at that newspaper it claims 100 jobs in jepardy" ok ok not the best

Two Irsh guys arrive in England looking for work. They see that a local mine is needing miners so they apply and are asked to attend an interview with the foreman.

Mick is in first and after showing he has all the necessary experience the foreman is impressed. Offering him a job Mick is just about to leave his office when the foreman asks

"Tell me Mick what type of lamp did you use in your last mine"

Mick thinks fast and reply's " well just an ordinary one attached to my helmet"

"good " reply's the foreman and tells Mick he will be in touch. 

Outside Mick meets Paddy and tells him about the interview and also the final question stressing that they need atleast one of them to get the job.

Paddy is then interviewed by the foreman and he also recounts his knowledge and experience.

"Good"  says the foreman "And can you start on monday?"

"Aye to be sure that will be fine" reply's Paddy.

Getting up to leave the office the foreman asks Paddy
"Just before you go Paddy tell me what type of lamp did you use"

Paddy knowing this question was going to be asked sat back down and composed himself.

"Well you see Sir I did not use a lamp in all the years I was down the mines"

"Did not use a lamp in all those years? Tell me Paddy what did you use?"

Paddy then reply's "Well you see Sir I was lucky I was always on the day shift so I did not need one" 

 

How do you confuse an Irshman?

Put 2 shovels against a wall and ask him to take his PICK

Put him in a barrel and tell him to P?? in the corner

How do you know an Irish milk bottle?

They have "open other end" on the bottom

Again taken from another forum

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU OWN A LANDROVER ?

* When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk.
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
* When you dream of burned Lucas electrics when your wife smokes a cigarette in bed
* If even Essex girls turn you down after they`ve seen your car.
* If 10 lbs of of prime top soil fall on the tarmac when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the flemish winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Belgium
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's union shop
* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the M.O.T. mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it

Last one for now:


Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy - 'Get an ambulance here quick, Mick's bleedin' from his
nose and his ears and oi tink both his legs are bust'

Operator - 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy - 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street '

Operator - 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.

After a minute:-
Operator - 'Are you there sir?'

Silence.

A minute later:-
Operator - 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:-
Operator - 'Sir, please answer me.. Can you still hear me!!?'

Paddy - 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round the corner

to number 3, Oak Street '. That's O.....A......K

I think there should be a rule that copying and pasting from LRUK or other forums should be discouraged.
geoff

Who is copying and pasting I have never seen or heard these GREAT jokes

This is a great thread need to keep this one going

i admit to 'recycling' jokes, its good for the enviroment

it doesnt hurt anyone. keep them coming. 

i admit to 'recycling' jokes, its good for the enviroment

so do I, Jumbo, 

Troops,

As I suspected, it would only be a matter of time until we had stuff here which is going downhill. If you are unable to create or find jokes fit for all to read - including children - then please post elsewhere. I have deleted two posts which were unsuitable.

And before someone has a moan about censorship that's what a moderated forum is.

Sandy.

dont disagree bout keeping things 'clean' however everyone does have diferent standards. after all to some folk 'f'ing n blinding is normal talk, sometimes dont even realise they could be causing offence yet some folk still offended by 'oh drat' if they really wana get picky on something. only have to look at tht picture u posted yourself sandy to see where problems could come from. cant seem to see anywhere on the forum tht lists acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. i know it sounds petty but maybe setting some basic rules for everyone to read, even if its stating the obvious ie dont swear, watch use of f*** , is it really nescesary to say tht even 'edited'? racist out obviously but remind the seemingly innocent can be miss-interpreted, remind users kids do view these posts can inuendo be too rude?. maybe some basic rules could be listed thn folk wont have reasons for posting offensive items sayin they didnt know or if they do they realise they could be removed, on extreme occasions the user could be removed. have this linked to the main page where folk cant miss it. just my pennies worth, remove from jokes page by all means only posting here cause feel its relevent

i agree, there is no rules set out for any member to abide by, maybe some guidlines are needed as there can be no arguments afterwards. make it a sticky so all can see.

and just to ruin the good jokes


If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?