SLROC Forum

mind n keep thm clean tho lol


thts half my joke list banned for a start 

Saw an advert in a magazine recently:

"Buy this car and get a Gibson Les Paul guitar completely free; no strings attached!"
-----------------------
Thats probably why its free, i thought, if there's no strings attached 

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

Sorry mate, I thing all my jokes would get me banned from the site

yeah, mine too. 

i never remember any jokes

Hillbilly couple walking out of the divorce court, the woman is crying her eyes out, the man rolls his eyes and hands her a handkerchief,


"For God's sake stop crying woman..... you're still my sister....."

Ok i stole it from another forum but.....

TRANSLATING THE HAYNES MOTOR MAINTENANCE MANUALS

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

What day in the year causes most confusion in a certain district in Glasgow?

Fathers Day

Two men meet on a street in Glasgow. "Hi Jim how you doing? and I see you have just lost a shoe"
2nd Man reply's " Am well and no I just found only one on the street"


Many years ago there was a bible salesman in Glasgow who had to increase sales due to an impending visit of a holy leader.
Placing an ad in the Glasgow Evening paper he got only three reply's!
Deciding to interview each one he arranged to met them at his office later in the week.
The first applicant arrived and was an out of work double glazing salesman Ah thinks the biblesalesman atleast he has sales experience so he offers him a job and gives him a box of bibles telling him to come back in a week.
The second applicant was a university lecturer who was looking for some extra money. Mmm thinks the bible salesman not much experience but if he sells even 5 bibles in a week then it is five more. So off he is sent and asked to come back in a weeks time.
The 3rd applicant arrives well dressed but has a stammer when speaking. Mm the bible salesman thinks against taking him on but as he needs all the sales before the holy visit he descides to employ him also. Again another box of bibles is handed out and he is also asked to return in a week.
A week later and all three arrive at the office the bible salesman asks the ex double glazing man how many bibles did you sell? "Well I managed to sell only only half the box of bibles"
"Not bad cosidering that each box contains 80 bibles and on a good week I usually sell about  40" recounts the biblesales man.
"And how many did you sell?" he asks the uni lecturer
Well I sold only 15 bibles as most people I spoke to already had one"
"Not bad but try and be more direct in selling this week"
Now scratching his head the bible salesman turns to ask the man with the stammer how he got on
"Aaahh well verryyy gooood I have solllld the compleeete box" he reply's
"The complete box !!!" repeats the bible salesman who has never in all his years sold that amount in a week
"How did you manage such great sales" ask the bible salesman
"Ahh well I weennnt too the dooor and rannnng the belll. On answering theirrr doooor I just asskkked iff "wouulld like tooo buyy a biblee or willl I readddd it toooo youuuu" 

The above has been one of my party pieces and you can keep it going by doing more of the interview with the third applicant.          

 

afraid i dont have many new jokes, see i believe in protecting the enviroment so i usualy recycle old ones

Most Arabs don't understand the Flintstones but the folk in Abu Dhabi do.



 

So Landrover decided to do something about build quality and sent a team over to Japan to see how Toyota and Suzuki did things. The quality manager at Toyota explained that they were very keen on quality and that one good measure of a vehicles build standard was the fit of the panels and how well the doors closed. He said they tested this by closing all the windows and doors on a car before locking a cat in it overnight. If the seals were good the cat would have snuffocated by morning....

Aha said the Brummies, We'll try that on a 110 back home..... so they duely grabbed a moggy that was hanging about the yard and stuck it in the back of the station wagon, slammed the doors, rang Toyota to tell them what was going on - and headed off home.

Next morning the helpful chap at Toyota is on the phone, did the cat survive the test ?.... " Bit of a problem" says Lode Lanes finest...."Not sure....we can't find the cat ".

I'll get my coat...

   A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The farmworkers union heard that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to investigate the matter.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the union rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him ?200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her ?150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the local half-wit. He works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about ?10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I need to talk to...the half-wit,' says the rep.
'That would be me then' replied the farmer......