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jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance

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shiznmatt

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  • Name: Matthew Monaghan
Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2010, 12:44:03 PM »
Heather Mills has put in an official complaint to the dancing on ice producers saying it was insensitive to make her dance to footloose!
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shiznmatt

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  • Name: Matthew Monaghan
Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #16 on: January 25, 2010, 07:16:01 AM »
WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

-- silence -- ...

HUSBAND:

....F**k!....
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2010, 11:14:15 PM »
Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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rangerovering

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2010, 09:37:04 AM »
Quote from: jumbo on January 28, 2010, 11:14:15 PM
Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

 ;D
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Steve



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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2010, 08:56:04 PM »
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2010, 10:32:28 AM »
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2010, 10:34:10 AM »
The best thing about driving in the desert is that it will always be dry.

It's unlikely terrain.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jay2578

Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2010, 07:47:10 PM »
whats brown and sticky?










.........a stick!             coat and leaving!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2010, 10:04:02 PM »
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread!
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2010, 10:04:51 PM »
Fool your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margarine and ripping holes in the bread.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2010, 06:59:24 PM »
An elderly irish man is on his death bed. he can feel the end isnt far off, when he suddenly notices a wonderful aroma. he relises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite food, scones. he finds the strength to drag himself to the kitchen, and as he reaches his frail, withered hand up to the table, he suddenly feels the wack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, HANDS OFF!!!!! THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
*

jay2578

Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2010, 07:06:47 PM »
patrick and jonny are walking along the street when suddenly patrick dissapears down an open manhole,
 jonny kneels down and shouts down the manhole, "PATRICK IS IT DARK DOWN THERE?"
patrick replies- " I DONT KNOW, I CANT SEE ANYTHING!"
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2010, 07:14:33 PM »
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied


''Bejazus! are yez friggin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.''
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #28 on: February 09, 2010, 01:39:18 PM »
When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.

Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: jumbo jokes: i appologise in advance
« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2010, 11:12:39 AM »
Paddy goes to visit Mick in hospital - he is covered in bandages, What happened he asks -
a plate glass window landed on my head - says Mick,
just as well you were wearing those bandages then says Paddy otherwise you'd have been cut to pieces.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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