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Jokes

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geoffg

Re: Jokes
« Reply #90 on: July 02, 2009, 03:53:19 PM »
Welsh Blonde
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:-   Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the young blonde waitress,

?Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly??

 The blonde  leaned over and said, ?Burrr ? gurrr ? king.?
 8)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #91 on: July 04, 2009, 10:11:43 AM »
Some American guy was boasting to me about the size of his Country.

"You can board a train in Texas and, twenty-four hours later, you could still BE in Texas!" he said.

"Yes," I said. "We've got trains like that over here, too."
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doug
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #92 on: July 04, 2009, 10:33:46 AM »
A doctor regularly has a drink at this bar after office hours. Every night the same thing, a daiquiri with an almond in it. One night he orders the regular and the bartender is a bit annoyed to find that they are out of almonds. Not wanting to lose a good customer he scrounges around and finally comes up with a hickory nut and serves that in the daiquiri, thinking the doctor wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the doctor picks up on it right away and asks, "what the heck is this?"

The quick thinking bartender replied "that's a hickory daiquiri doc."
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doug
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #93 on: July 04, 2009, 03:26:12 PM »
A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.
"When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."
what!!!!!!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"
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doug
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #94 on: July 04, 2009, 03:31:06 PM »
A film crew is on location in the Arizona desert. One day an old Indian goes up to the director and says, "Tomorrow rain". The next day it rains. Next day the Indian goes up to the director and says, "Tomorrow storm" The next day there's a hailstorm. The director is impressed and hires the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian doesn't show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sends for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," he says. "What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugs his shoulders and says, "Don't know. Radio is broken."
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doug
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #95 on: July 28, 2009, 11:16:12 AM »
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.   
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doug
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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sthrifty

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #96 on: July 28, 2009, 06:33:40 PM »
 :) :) :) ;D loved that last one
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #97 on: July 29, 2009, 01:19:47 AM »
dont be getting any ideas ya legal eagle ;) ;) lol
know what your like with your wheeling n dealing
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doug
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #98 on: July 29, 2009, 11:19:40 AM »
An American tourist in London was waiting to cross a busy road via a pedestrian crossing. After a moment, the lights changed to red, the green man showed, and the beeper sounded.

Confused, the American looked at a local and asked, "I say there, what's with that noise?"

"It's to let blind people know that the lights have changed," came the reply.

"Gee!" exclaimed the American. "Back home in the good old US of A, we don't let the blind drive."
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #99 on: August 11, 2009, 11:16:00 AM »
Cleaning the house: ?350

Fixing the swimming pool: ?1,500

A new home: ?240,000

For everything else, there's being an MP.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #100 on: August 11, 2009, 12:07:33 PM »
Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.

The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."

The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."

The third is unimpressed and laughs, " Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."

"How?" the others ask.

"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Willie-Scott

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #101 on: August 11, 2009, 12:27:57 PM »
I was in the doctors earlier and said , doc i think im a cowboy , he replied , "how long have you felt like that" i said "a yeehaarr  ::)
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #102 on: August 12, 2009, 09:58:17 AM »
*True Story*

I was working on the fruit and veg section at work when a Chinese lady came walking up to me.

"excuxe me where you keep peppers" she said, so i showed her

"excuse me, where you keep ginger" she said, so i showed her

"excuse me, where you keep mushroom" she said, so i showed her

"excuse me where you keep Cimma" she said...................

I looked at her puzzelled and she repeated "Where you keep Cimma"

I asked to look at the packet and burst out laughing when it said

Add peppers, ginger, mushrooms and simmer!
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #103 on: August 12, 2009, 11:59:02 AM »
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Willie-Scott

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #104 on: August 12, 2009, 12:20:29 PM »
bwahahawahhawa typical yanks  ;D
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