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Jokes

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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #135 on: December 14, 2009, 01:53:43 AM »
What's the name of the Russian guy who invented a cure for the common cold?
Benylin Forchestikov.
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doug
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Alex Gibson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #136 on: December 14, 2009, 07:19:05 PM »
An Aberdonian walks in to a baker and asks "Is that a pavlova or a meringue?"

The quine behind the counters says "Naw - yer right enough, it's a pavlova".  ;D
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #137 on: December 16, 2009, 06:36:42 PM »
A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"
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doug
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #138 on: December 16, 2009, 06:43:13 PM »
I asked my son: "What do you want from Santa Claus this year?"

He replies: "A bike, an iPod, football boots, a Scotland strip and a Nintendo Wii."

"Deary me," I smile, "when I was your age, all I got was an apple and an orange."

"That's not bad," says my son, "a computer and a mobile phone."
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doug
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Dom.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #139 on: May 06, 2010, 08:10:43 PM »
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
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jay2578

Re: Jokes
« Reply #140 on: May 06, 2010, 09:01:20 PM »
Why did the baker have brown fingers?










He was kneading a jobby! :D
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #141 on: May 07, 2010, 10:56:33 AM »
lightened the mood when voting yesterday by shouting out from the cubicle "Erm excuse me, there's no toilet roll in this one"
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doug
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #142 on: May 07, 2010, 11:02:35 AM »
When I was growing up, my mum always told me to save my money for a rainy day and I've always tried to live like that.

Unfortunately I live in Aberdeen so the most I've managed to save so far is ?1.20.
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doug
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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geoffg

Re: Jokes
« Reply #143 on: May 13, 2010, 09:28:10 AM »
Good radio clip:

http://tv.muxlim.com/video/oQK13UM3YzI/ ... and-drive/

geoff :)
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sthrifty

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #144 on: May 13, 2010, 06:02:17 PM »
she should be in charge of the GRR and TYRO she is perfect
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freelandy1

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #145 on: May 13, 2010, 10:07:57 PM »
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from you stupid twat?
Paddy: Because I've f***ing got 1 at home ya p***k!
« Last Edit: May 14, 2010, 12:45:30 PM by freelandy1 »
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James
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freelandy1

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #146 on: May 13, 2010, 10:11:44 PM »
Sorry for the f**k word appearing I thought I blanked that out, looks like I'm a twat like paddy
James
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James
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freelandy1

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #147 on: May 14, 2010, 12:44:51 PM »
Scientists have discovered that beer and lager contains female hormones.

To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints of beer, suddenly they started to talk sh*te, gained weight, had a strong urge to moan and couldnt drive ;D
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James
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freelandy1

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #148 on: May 18, 2010, 11:12:05 PM »
The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Pinnochio
Libero
Vimto                               
Cheerio           
Scenario         
Portfolio
Momento
Borneo
Subbuteo
Fellatio
Tango
SUBS:
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
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James
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freelandy1

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #149 on: May 20, 2010, 01:58:14 PM »
The Black Bra
(as told by a woman)

I had Lunch with 2
of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one
 is a mistress, and I have been
Married For
 20+ years.

We were chatting about our
 relationships and decided
to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door
wearing a black
 bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
 eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to
 exchange notes.

Here's How it all went.

My engaged Friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came
over he found me with a black leather bodice,
 tall stillettos and a mask. He saw me
  and said, 'You are The woman of my
 dreams. I love you.' Then we
 made passionate love all night long..


The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the
black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat
he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble
and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my
                               Story:

When my husband came home I was
wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he
 said,   What's for Dinner, Batman?"
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James
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