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Jokes

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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #120 on: September 10, 2009, 10:43:05 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D like it tam
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #121 on: September 20, 2009, 11:38:48 AM »
My son has been getting these really bad headaches.
I keep telling him, "Feet first when you get out of bed."
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #122 on: September 20, 2009, 12:01:09 PM »
Top Recession Busting Tip:

Dont waste your money on an 'A to Z' when you only ever go from A to B anyway.
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #123 on: September 20, 2009, 12:07:32 PM »
JOHN: I've had two failed marriages, i'll never get married again
DAVE: whys that?
JOHN: the first wife died because she ate poisoned mushrooms.
DAVE: what about the second wife?
JOHN: she died of a fractured skull
DAVE: seriously?, how come?
JOHN: she wouldn't eat her mushrooms
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #124 on: September 20, 2009, 12:10:27 PM »
What were King Harold's last words?

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with A"
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
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warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #125 on: October 16, 2009, 08:30:03 PM »
My wife answered the phone last night: "I'm sorry" she said, "You should try ringing the coastguard, or maybe the Met Office.", and put the phone down.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"A wrong number" she replied, "Some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Radarears

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #126 on: October 16, 2009, 08:48:00 PM »
Been off here for a while but I am glad to see there is still the high standard of contributions
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Dom.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #127 on: October 20, 2009, 03:22:57 PM »
Yeah same
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #128 on: November 05, 2009, 06:08:28 PM »
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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Targetmaster

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #129 on: November 06, 2009, 07:23:08 PM »
A man buys a brand new Ferrari Enzo costing him ?500,000 and pulls up at a set of traffic lights and along comes an old man on a moped and stops beside him.


The old man looks at the car and says to the man would you mind if I had a wee nosey Inside.
The man says yes,


So the old man sticks his head in through the window and says to the man that?s a Very nice car you got their, But I think I will stick to my moped.


The man feeling rather insulted by this decides when the lights go green he going to floor it and show the old man what it could do.


So the lights turn green and he puts the foot to the floor right up to 60 mph, then looks in his mirror and see?s a small dot coming up fast. Whoosh the old man fly?s past, the guy can?t believe it so he puts foot down again and gets right up to 140 mph over taken old man again.


He looks in his mirror and here the old man is again and go?s flying past him.
So the guy takes it right up to the max 215 mph and go?s past old man again.


He see?s the old man appearing again coming up fast and slams his breaks on and the old man crashes into him and comes flying off the bike.


The guy runs out to the old man and says ?Is their anything I can do??
The old man struggling to reply says ?Can you unhook my braces off your car wing mirror?

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genem

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #130 on: November 06, 2009, 09:33:26 PM »
The Police have finally admitted that the shooting of Jean-paul De Menezes in that tube station was not as much of an accident as first thought. They were really after his brother Dennis.  
« Last Edit: November 06, 2009, 10:55:15 PM by genem »
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If its not broken you are not trying hard enough....
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sthrifty

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #131 on: November 06, 2009, 09:47:48 PM »
Gene that's shockin glad your looking after us
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geoffg

Re: Jokes
« Reply #132 on: November 19, 2009, 12:14:15 PM »
INTERNET WARNING


If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Cherie Blair,"

don't open it....










It contains a nude photo of Cherie Blair.
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jumbo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #133 on: December 08, 2009, 02:21:48 PM »
A man at my door said, "I'm from Everest double glazing."
I said, "I've got double glazing!"
"I know," he said, "we fitted it two years ago but you haven't made a payment yet."
I replied, "You said it would pay for it's self in eighteen months."
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doug
2005 3door freelander td4
1986 90s/w with 200tdi


warning::: any jokes posted by myself come with a health warning!!!!!
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geoffg

Re: Jokes
« Reply #134 on: December 10, 2009, 01:29:07 PM »
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play golf?'

Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.'

Woods says, 'But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Wonder replies, 'I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice.'

But how do you putt?' asks Woods.

'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward
his voice.'

Woods asks,  'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than  $10,000 a hole.'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm for that, when would you like to
play?'

Stevie says,  'Pick a night.'
 :P
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