SLROC Forum

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

I went to the Barbers today.
"How much for a hair cut?", I asked.
"?5", the Barber replied.
"How much for a shave?", I asked.
"?2", the Barber replied.

So I said, "Right, well shave my head".

Sorry Doug but I couldn't resist posting this here. Merry Xmas to you all (despite the card !!)and looking forward to more laughs in 2010.

All the best

Ross

hey they are nice pictures of j**ps enjoying the snow......although you missed out the ropes pulling them along

and a merry christmas to everyone else on this forum, yeh plenty windups to come in 2010

i bumped into my barber the other day,he said you need your hair cut badly,i said yes.you cut it badly the last time 

What sort of Cheese can hide a horse ?





....Mask a Pony.....

Blame Calum ,aged 9. I'm not going to tell you his joke about butter, you'd only spread it....

I'll get my coat....
 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, ?I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.?

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
?We can't stand the sight of each other any longer? the father says. ?We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.?

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
?Like hell they're getting divorced!? she shouts, ?I'll take care of this!?

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father ?You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife
'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way

My girlfriend asked me how to spell "Orange" today.
"O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied.
Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit"

Don't worry if you put on weight over Christmas; we can answer your questions about dieting-

I?ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
No ? your heart is only good for so many beats, and that?s it... Don?t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that?s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can?t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain? Is Good.

Aren?t fried foods bad for you?
Food is fried in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
Is chocolate bad for me?
Never heard of cocoa beans? Another vegetable. It?s the best feel-good food around.

And, above all-
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways ? lager in one hand, bacon butty in the other ? body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"   

A traffic cop pulled a car over on the M60. When the cop asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Blackpool to do a show at the Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The policeman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the traffic cop he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The copper said he had some flares in the boot and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the cop got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the police car. A drunken chap got out, watched the performance, then went over to the police car, opened the back door and got in. The cop observed him and went over to the police car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Here we go round the mulberry bush,
the mulberry bush, mulberry bush,
Here we go round the mulberry bush,
I hate this bloody satnav.

I want to put up some kind of barrier between me and the neighbours, but don't want to cause a fence.

Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"

Control tower: "What airline is this?"

Pilot: "What difference does that make?"

Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic, it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."

What do you call an Egyptian Taxi Driver ?

Tootancumoot